It's a lovely morning here in Toronto

And we've just wrapped up our first picnic brunch in the back garden, so what better time to write about the Most Important Subject in the World, the Bad Lieutenant remake.

Here is a link to the boring-ass poster which is 75% identical to the original. Maybe they should just keep the original and replace Kietal's name with Cage's. I'm sure the idiots that are going to go see this on opening weekend won't know the difference. Of course, I'm also going to be one of those idiots.

According to the always accurate IMDB, this is the
plot summary of the remake:

Corrupt New York City police detective Terence McDonough investigated [sic] the drug-related murder of five Senegalese illegal immigrants.

Sources close to me (e.g., users of the IMDB message board) tell me that it will take place in post-Katrina New Orleans.

I'm wary that in the remake, Bad Lieutenant has a name. In the original, Harvey's character didn't have a name. He wasn't even 'the' Bad Lieutenant; he was simply 'Bad Lieutenant.' If you ask me, Nicholas Cage playing a cop named Terrence doesn't exactly say 'bad.' I'll be waiting for Cage's twin from Adaptation to show up, announce his name is Phillip and they'll spend the next two hours farting on each other and calling themselves Uncle Fucker. Which is kind of what the original was like:

A police Lieutenant goes about his daily tasks of investigating homicides, but is more interested in pursuing his vices. He has accumulated a massive debt betting on baseball, and he keeps doubling to try to recover. His bookies are beginning to get agitated. The Lieutenant does copious amounts of drugs, cavorts with prostitutes, and uses his status to take advantage of teenage girls. While investigating a nun's rape, he begins to reflect on his lifestyle.

Nowhere in that description is any mention of the star spending a full five minutes of screen times dancing naked and crying to imaginary hooker lesbians he wishes he was having a threesome with while out of his mind of crack and vodka so I'm hoping that the remakes summary is being equally coy.

The remake will only be worthwhile if Nicholas Cage's penis gets more screen time than his receding hairline.